(Issue 53) Unhappy

I sat down in front of my computer and went into a dazed then a thought flashes by "Am I really busy or was I afraid to pick up the 'pen' to scramble my contradictions again? Or am I waiting for a reply from Nete, hoping that he would by any chance read my blog or ultimately could I be hiding away from the contradictions in this relation.

Although it seems logical not to start this long distance relation when both of us are not ready, but in this world what is logical and what is perfect solution? Everyone has a different perception of logical and to him, me giving it up this relation when I insist on loving him, seems illogical and my unwillingness to commit.

Explaining will always sounds like excuses, even to myself. I heard of my countless explanation of why I shouldn't start this relation but still unable to convince myself. Why is it so difficult when it seems to be the 'perfect' solution when there are so many loopholes.

Recently, I felt even more selfish. I realised that I had force the decision not to start without consulting him. And my actions are rather disappointing and hurtful, if I were to be in his shoes. Someone told me that the decision I made might be the most convenient answer for me, because I am the one leaving Singapore and him, and not the other way round.

I thought my actions would be appreciated for not wanting to hurt someone, but it backfired and now both of us are hurt and the situation became awkward. Wouldn't it be better if I allow nature to take it's own course?

Coming to terms with (Foolish) Me, (Blaming) Myself and (Could never be Happy) I.

Listening to: 梁静茹 - 对不起我爱你
你听一听我的心跳, 你看一看我睡的不好
喝水想着你, 搭车想着你, 合眼闭眼间出现的全是你
我猜不到你的表情, 我等不到你的回应
不想难为你, 又不想放弃你
决定告诉你, 对不起对不起我爱你

Translation: I'm Sorry, I Love You - Listen to my heartbeat and notice that I can't sleep peacefully (without you).
Missing you when I drink water and when I take a bus ride. It is all your images before and after I closes my eyes.
I couldn't guess your expression, I couldn't wait for your reply.
I don't want to put you in a difficult situation, nor I want to let you go.
I decide to tell you, I'm Sorry, I Love You.