(Love Tales 4) Part One- Noel

Exclaimer: I had found another writer who has an interesting story to tell. His story touches my soul and at the same time made inspired a few of my issues. I am proud to introduce the kind and simple Desmond. Thanks for allowing me to re-post this article in my blog.

Part 5 of 5Written and Publish on Nov 29 2005, 04:05 PM

My eyelids fluttered open to receive the first rays of the Christmas morning. There were no mistletoes, no silver decorations on Christmas trees or beautifully-wrapped gifts. Instead, all I could see was the light drizzle caressing the hectic streets of Orchard Road. The skies were grey and ominous; somewhat mirroring the deadening isolation in my heart. I drew the curtains and walked over to the bed to pick up my trousers and shirt. I glanced at the sleeping guy and tried to remember the name of the guy whom I had sex with but my memory was too fragmented. All I could remember was going inside the bar to pick up my potential customer. We chatted for a while, struck a price before we left the noisy gay bar for the hotel. I didn't enjoy the rough sex at all. I rubbed gently the purplish bruises on my arms, rinsed my mouth of his pungent cigarette smell and took the stack of generous cash he left on the dressing table.

The burst of open air felt like a cold stab. The crowd was thickening in front of Heerens where Christmas jingles were playing out loud and Citibank promoters were busy giving out pamphlets, spreading the cheers while hoping to bring in business. I passed by California Fitness gym and was surprised at the number of people doing their workout on Christmas morning. Life still went on in its usual static routine regardless of the Christmas occasion. I thought to myself wryly; I was not spared from working on Christmas Eve either. I needed the extra cash to buy my textbooks for the coming semester in university and get a small token for Nick.

Every Christmas, I will make sure I will get a card for my junior college teacher to thank him for everything he has done for me. If not for his kindness and his dedication, I will never have made it past my college education. Dad passed away that year and it left Mom to support the family and my younger brother's education. The financial aid from the government could not cover my textbooks, school uniforms and additional expenses, so I had to take up part-time jobs. I always had trouble catching up with schoolwork. By the time I finished my evening shifts at 7-Eleven, I was already so drained that I can hardly stay awake during the lessons. When Nick knew about my situation, he gave me additional coaching in Mathematics at his house and even offered to give me a sum of money to tide me over. Even though he was just transferred to the college, he took time to know every member of the class. He was the only teacher who took effort to find out why I was always so sleepy in class, instead of just attributing it to sheer laziness. In return for his kindness, I promised him to work my hardest and make sure that I finish my university studies. I still hold on to that promise to Nick.

It has been five years since I saw Nick. I fought back the clawing guilt when I recalled my secret infatuation for Nick. It wasn't something that was borne out of gratitude. The feeling for him was so intense that I just couldn't control my feelings that night and I spilled it out in a moment of impetuousness. It was my recklessness that had compelled him to tender his resignation and leave the school. That was my wretched way of repaying his kindness. How he must have hated me ever since.

I don't think I will forgive myself as long as I live.

I brushed back my hot tears that was streaming down my cheeks. A wretched creature like me doesn't deserve any forgiveness. I have destroyed the only person who had shown me true kindness. I wondered what Nick would have thought of me if he ever found out I moonlight as a rent-boy. I am truly incorrigible beyond words.

I started becoming a rent-boy when I was at the army. After I graduated from junior college, my kind aunt offered her place to us. We moved into her house and sold the apartment to get some spare cash. The money allowed my brother and me to continue our education. I saved most of my army salary. It was through my army buddy that I got into the sex trade. I was amazed at how he could afford designer fashion wear and he told me they were 'sponsored' by a rich man. I was initially apprehensive but when my mom got ill, I don't think I can take my aunt's charity any longer. I started to follow my buddy and learn the tricks of the trade. It offered easy money but we always had to protect ourselves and keep ourselves 'marketable' through regular exercise at the gym and dieting.

There was a flutter of happiness and hope as the next semester would be my final semester in the university. I will soon be able to get my degree and start working as an accountant. Mom's illness was getting better and soon, my younger brother will have a steady income when he goes to the Army. I promised myself that last night will mark the end of my rent-boy stint. I may not be able to face Nick again but I wanted badly to look at myself in the mirror and recover my shredded dignity.

The drizzle started to dissipate as the sun's rays poured over the thick clouds. I smiled and noted that this year's Christmas seemed to look a little brighter. I hummed the melodic tune of "Have yourself a merry little Christmas" and left my makeshift seat outside California Fitness gym to embrace the warm sunlight once more. A trio of muscled gym-goers was just leaving the gym and I noted the signal of interest in their eyes. I pursed my lips and looked away, wondering what gift I should get for Nick this year. My heart twisted painfully as I knew silently that lust will mark the rest of my life but a true love will always be beyond my grasp.

This was because I have lost my heart to Nick. It will never find its way back again.

Exclaimer: I had found another writer who has an interesting story to tell. His story touches my soul and at the same time made inspired a few of my issues. I am proud to introduce the kind and simple Desmond. Thanks for allowing me to re-post this article in my blog.