(Issue 43) Un: joueur: Chanson

I didn't realize until an hour ago that the lifespan of my first relation was actually less than a month instead of three months. I guess it was the wonderful memories Cason gave me that makes it almost never ending.

I remembered clearly the date we first met was also the first day I decided to step out of the closet. I wanted to experience the AJs clubbing scene to celebrate this day, therefore I took up an offer to a club outing with 'Sgy', someone I just knew from the internet. He arranged for me to meet up with his friends at a Hotel Lounge before heading down to 'Happy'.

There was an instant attraction as 'Sgy' introduce his friends to me, among which is a couple and a smart looking Cason. It was not long till I realize that 'Sgy' was also attracted to Cason, therefore I didn't pin any hopes that night. At the Lounge, we listen to live bands while slipping our martinis, out of a sudden I felt a hand touching my back as I was lying comfortably on the sofa. I paused and looked, it was Cason slipping his hand behind 'Sgy's' back, as he was sitting between us. There was a sudden rush and blush, as it was unexpected approach. I guess it was the skills of my flirting eyes that hinted him my interests.

We finished up our drinks and when Cason and his friends visited the toilet before heading out to Happy, 'Sgy' took the opportunity to ask if I was interested in Cason, as he could see his interest in me. I was delighted while awkward at the same time, my immediate response was "No, I am not". I was surprised it came out from my mouth but maybe it was to prevent any embarrassment as 'Sgy' took the courtesy to bring me out and I didn't know clearly whether there is any hidden relation between 'Sgy' and Cason.

Over at Happy, 'Sgy' got real drunk as it became clear that Cason was falling for a guy he brought along. I could understand that was hurtful to see someone you love, love someone you tag along for fun. I was sorry, so that night I restrain myself from any advances from Cason. However, when 'Sgy' visited the toilet, Cason quickly asked for my number. Without any thought, my number came out of my mouth sooner than I can 'regret'.

Actual dates followed the day after, from Karaoke Sessions with his friends to Clubs. We did even went to a fun fair and he even won me a stuffed puppy dog, it was so corny especially when we were taking the train back home (two guys in their 20s holding on the a stuffed dog, and for once we know that they are not looking at us because we are cute, haa). I would look forward to another day with him every night, and everyday seems to be sweeter than the other, however the bomb dropped when I received an unexpected message three days prior to his birthday.

"I'm actually kinda afraid tat u fall for me 2 much.. Im nt into any relationship now. N i can tell u r a nice guy. Is jus tat i wld say i treat u more like a gd frd than a lover, im sorry if tis sms had hurt u, but i dun want to lead u on further. Hope u understand.. im sorry walter. Pls forgive me..."

Tears rolled down at first, as I couldn't reached him for a verbal explanation, meet up or a follow up message. But after a couple of days, I re-read the message and start to wonder, did I misunderstood his friendship for a relationship? Was I ever his lover? Basically, what actually differentiate a "Lover" and a "Good Friend"? Could it be my desired to be loved that mistook his actions? Or is this simply a lousy breakup?

We happened to bumped into one another after a couple of months, instead of asking finding out the truth, we did not touch on that issue. I wanted him to tell me at his own timing. So we had a couple of drinks and appreciate other cute guys and the music.

Deep inside I was thankful that he did not choose to mislead me and draw a line. There are some things in life that are better left unsaid and unexplained, especially since you had already learned to make peace with it. What I got in return right now is a friend whom I don't mind meeting up to club once in a while.

Thanks my Cason, whether it was 'love' or 'friendship', I do feel special and fortunate during that period, and it will always be in my memories. Thank you for teaching me, how to love and how it felt to be loved. With this entry, I guess I can move one step further by deleting the sms he send from my phone. (Or am I, now that his message can been seen by the whole world and not me alone?) Haa.

Coming to terms with (the answer is no longer important to) Me, (glad for both him and) Myself and (moved on) I.

Singing to the tunes of: Faith Evans - My First Love
(couldn't find any video clip but here's the lyrics)

"Tell me how a thing that brings such joy can bring such pain
And how could something so wrong seem so right
We never had the chance to make it get better
We never said goodbye
I never wanna feel the pain of losing love again,
cause love just has a way of breaking down,
Next time I'm gonna pray that this will be better
The second time around,
So heres to love thats lost and found

I wont cry, no, I wont break down
Even though inside it hurts so bad
Next time I will make love last
Though you will always have a place in my heart."

However I do find another nice song as I was searching for the Faith Evans video.
This is the english version of Utada Hikaru's First Love: Jessa Zaragosa - First Love