(Issue 51) It had never End... [Zwei]

continue...

Wednesday finally came. I tried not to remember that he will be in ZOUK that night, so I had my entire day fully planned just to keep my mind off him. As the party time draws closer I couldn't resist but to drop by PLAY to have countless Martini with Père and Cricà. After my 3rd glass, Cricà told me to head down to ZOUK with him. A quick "No" was replied, followed by "Nete's there". Cricà,"He's not. He's on call tonight".

I took up his offer and went, I was surprised that Cricà walked in front and was on the phone and in less than a minute I saw Nete in front of me. I couldn't help but to think that Cricà planned it, I was pissed for a minute or two and told myself that what is done cannot be undone.

I went back to give Nete another hug and carried on the party with him and Cricà. Thereafter Nete's friend ask me along for Karaoke with them after the party. I hesitated, but I couldn't resist but to obliged after he made the second request.

Songs were played that clearly reminded us of the things we did together on the first three days of 2007, and when I looked into his eyes, as he sang them, my eyes watered and my heart melt, the defense was torn down immediately. I laid faced down on the sofa, hoping not to show any emotions, pretending to be asleep. The entire event end and we decided to leave the place. Everything seems to be an re-enactment, it was the same rainstorm we had when we parted. He invited me to his place, I reconfirmed before agreeing.

As we were waiting for his friend's car to arrive, we sat on the step and he laid his face on my lap. I could feel sadness, I told him to be strong and look at me, but he refused. I wanted to tell him that I still love him while looking straight in his eyes, but couldn't after he sang,"我以为我会报复但是我没有" over and over again. I was hurt yet touched.

He quickly jump into his bed when we reached, I covered him with his blanket, sat on the floor beside his bed and watched him sleep. I was happy, although it was cold but the look of his face kept me warmth. I could choose to leave but I didn't, I could choose to hug him but I didn't, all I could think of his to watch him sleep peacefully, and it is sufficient enough to make me happy.

As it was coming to be an hour towards noon, I woke him up for his appointment. I gentle planted a kiss on his forehead. Still sleepy, he replied that he want to snooze for another half hour. I told him that I need to leave for my appointment followed by a hug. This hug almost held me back as I thought of not letting go and accompanied him for that 30 minutes, but I didn't. I drag myself to leave his place.

Hours later, I send him a message.

"Its a great night. Thanks4inviting me over last night. It is great watching u sleep again.I want to let u know my feelings 4u had never change, but i choose a different path bcos of timing due to my work n more importantly, i dun 1 2c the person i love suffer-i couldn't fulfil ur need 2c ur lover everytime u come home.I also dun 1 2b selfish n hold u back,u'll meet sum1 soon. Trust me,ur feelings 4me will go off soon, plus it would be less hurtful now than if we really get together.I'm sorry 4everythin i did n hope u understand. U got gd friends so cherish them. I wanna meet u again 4 a proper dinner b4 i fly as friends,so no stress ok?Tell me when will u b free"

to be continued...

Coming to terms with (unsure of what I want) Me, (trying to control the situation) Myself and I (still harbor feelings for him).

Crying in the rain to: Sandy Lam - 領悟
我以为我会哭但是我没有
我只是怔怔望著你的脚步给你我最后的祝福
这何尝不是一种领悟让我把自己看清楚
虽然无爱的痛苦将日日夜夜在我灵魂最深处

我以为我会报复但是我没有
当我看到我深爱过的男人竟然像孩子一样无助
这何尝不是一种领悟让你把自己看清楚
被爱是奢侈的幸福可惜你从来不在乎

啊一段感情就此结束
啊一颗心眼看要荒芜
我们的爱若是错误愿你我没有白白受苦
若曾真心真意付出就应该满足
啊多么痛的领悟你曾是我的全部
只是我回首来时路的每一步都走的好孤独
啊多么痛的领悟你曾是我的全部
只愿你挣脱情的枷锁爱的束缚
任意追逐别再为爱受苦

Translation: Apprehension - I suppose I would cry, but I didn't.
I just silently stared at your ongoing steps and gave you my last blessings.
Could it be said as a kind of apprehension so that I could see through myself.
Though the misery of loveless would last in my soul deeply forever nights and days

I suppose I would revenge you, but i didn't
When I saw the man I used to love is as helpless as a child...
Could it be said as apprehension so that you could see through yourself...
What's a luxurious happiness of being loved; however it's such a pity that you had never cherished it.

Alas, my love is going to terminate;
Alas, my heart is going to empty;
If our love would be a fault, I wish we didn't just suffer without learning anything.
If we had ever given out all our hearts, we should feel content.
Alas, how painful the apprehension is!! You used to be everything to me
Just whenever I reflect what I had gone through. Every step I'd walked is full of isolation
Alas, how painful the apprehension is, You used to be my everything.
I wish you could free yourself from cuffs and restraint of love to chase whatever you want in your life
Don't suffer from love anymore